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WELCOME TO quot;THE LATE SHOW”.” I'M STEPHEN COLBERT. WELL, IT'S FINALLY HERE. AFTER SIX YEARS OF TRYING, LAST NIGHT THE REPUBLICANS FINALLY UNVEILED THEIR HEALTHCARE PLAN. THEN, OUT OF FORCE OF HABIT, THEY VOTED TO REPEAL IT. (LAUGHTER) NOW, THERE ARE SOME THINGS THERE ARE SOME THINGS THEY'RE KEEPING FROM OBAMACARE: KIDS STAYING ON THEIR PARENTS' HEALTHCARE UNTIL THEY'RE 26. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) INSURANCE COMPANIES CAN'T DISCRIMINATE BECAUSE OF PRE-EXISTING CONDITIONS. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) GRANDMA WILL STILL BE MURDERED BY DEATH PANELS WHILE NANCY PELOSI CACKLES FROM HER SKYBOX. >> Audience: BOOK! >> Stephen: NO CHEER FOR THAT? OKAY. OH, THERE'S ONE OTHER THING THEY'RE KEEPING FROM OBAMACARE: NOBODY LIKES IT. CONSERVATIVES ARE CALLING IT “OBAMACARE LITE.” GREAT TASTE, LESS COVERAGE, (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) WHILE-- MEANWHILE-- SEE, THAT'S THE CONSERVATIVES. CONSERVATIVES DON'T CARE FOR IT. MEANWHILE, DEMOCRATS ARE UNHAPPY BECAUSE EXPERTS ESTIMATE THIS WILL COVER 20 MILLION FEWER AMERICANS THAN OBAMACARE. >> Audience: BOOHOO! >> Stephen: PRETTY ROUGH. 20 MILLION FEWER THAN OBAMA. THAT SOUNDS LIKE TRUMP'S INAUGURATION. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) I'M HONORED. SPEAKING OF WHICH-- THIS IS TRUE-- BECAUSE OF FREEDOM OF INFORMATION REQUEST, THE PARKS SERVICE WERE FORCED TO RELEASE All the PHOTOS THEY TOOK AT TRUMP'S INAUGURATION, BEFORE WE WERE ONLY SEEING PART OF THE PHOTO. WE WEREN'T SEEING EVERYTHING FROM THE CAPITOL TO THE WASHINGTON MONUMENT. THE PHOTOS CAME OUT TODAY. AND IT'S WORSE THAN TRUMP FEARED. JIM, CAN WE PUT IT UP NEXT TO OBAMA'S? HERE'S OBAMA, AND HERE'S TRUMP. THAT-- THAT REALLY LOOKS LIKE THE BEFORE-AND- AFTER PHOTOS IN AN AD FOR ORIN. THE POINT IS, 20 MILLION IS A LOT OF PEOPLE WITHOUT HEALTH INSURANCE. I DON'T KNOW ANYBODY WHO WOULD BE HAPPY ABOUT THAT. ♪ ♪ ♪ OH, YEAH, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, GO ON, THAT'S ENOUGH. GO ON. I WILL SEE YOU-- I WILL SEE YOU IN 70 YEARS! (LAUGHTER) HE'S A GOOD GUY. YOU'D LIKE HIM. WHERE WAS I? OH, YEAH, WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE. (LAUGHTER) ONE OF THE OTHER DIFFERENCES IS THAT TRUMP CARE REPLACES FEDERAL INSURANCE SUBSIDIES WITH TAX CREDITS. SO EVERYTHING'S GOING TO BE FINE, BUT YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE YOUR COLONOSCOPY AT H&R BLOCK (LAUGHTER) NOW, I CAN IMAGINE WHAT A LOT OF YOU OUT THERE-- YOU GUYS OUT THERE, I'M SURE, AND EVERYBODY OUT THERE IS WORRYING. YOU'RE SAYING TO YOURSELF: “HOW IS THIS GOING TO AFFECT SUPER WEALTHY INSURANCE COMPANY EXECUTIVES?” WELL, GOOD NEWS, THE PLAN INCLUDES A TAX BREAK FOR INSURANCE COMPANY EXECUTIVES MAKING OVER $500,000 A YEAR. (AUDIENCE BOOING) SO ALL OF THEM? (LAUGHTER) SPEAKING OF TAXES, THE BILL ALSO REPEALS THE 10% TAX ON INDOOR TANNING. OH, GOOD. DONALD TRUMP CAN FINALLY GO THE FULL TANDOORI. (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) OH, HIS MEAT. SO JUICY. >> Jon: A LITTLE TANDOORI CHICKEN. >> Stephen: HIS MEAT IS GOING TO FALL RIGHT OFF THE BONE. YOGURT SAUCE, FANTASTIC. AND THEN THERE'S THE WEIRD FACT THAT IN A 66-PAGE DOCUMENT, THAT'S WHAT THEY RELEASED, A 66-PAGE PLAN-- SEVEN OF THOSE PAGES...
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