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Equifax. The company whose name sounds like a theatrical production in which Daniel Radcliffe, plays a horse-that fucks a fax machine. —(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)Now Equifax, is one of the big three credit reporting agencies. The companies who keep financial data on all of us. So that people like uh, lenders and landlords can decide, whether we are trustworthy. So, Equifax controls some of our most sensitive information and about a month ago, we learned this. NEWSCASTER 1: Breaking news from the credit monitoring company, Equifax. Cyber thieves making off with private information of 143 million Americans, nearly half the U.S. Population. It's actually worse. It's now 145 million American sand I have got good news and bad news there. The good news is that by “private information” they're done#39’t mean your Google search history, so, nobody yet knows about the time you searched for, “Mario porn (real),” or “world#39’s richest dogs looking for assistants,” or quot;can loneliness cause the farts?”(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)But the bad news is, the information they got, could well be all this. NEWSCASTER 2: It#39’s your name, social security number, birthdate, driver#39’s license and addresses where you lived, information that is mostly permanent unless you#39’re in federal witness protection.-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -Wow! Okay, so, that does sound bad, but here's a simple solution, just move 145 million people into the witness protection program. That means Jones#39; uh, you are the Thompson's, uh, Thompson#39’s you're the Campbell's, Campbell#39’s you're the Mendoza's, Mendoza#39’s, you're the Jones'. Wait-- wait hold on, Jones#39; you shouldn't be there, I made you the Thompson#39’s. No, Thompson's I made you the Campbell#39’s. Campbell's, you're the Mendoza#39’s. Mendoza's, why are you there? You should be living in the Jones#39; house in Phoenix. Oh no, I shouldn't#39’t have said Phoenix.-Oh God, the Jones' are dead! —(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)-The Jones' are dead! —(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)Forget the whole plan, I was just trying to help! I'm sorry for trying! Oh, they're dead!(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)-(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) -And-- and I know---I know there might be... -(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)...some younger people watching this and, well hold on-- who cares? We're the first generation to routinely send pictures of our junk to each other-over the internet. —(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)Why should we give a shit about someone seeing our social security numbers? But you should know, criminals can do a lot more with that number than they can with a picture of your dick. This information is going to be sold left and right on the black market. People are going to be able to open up credit cards for the rest of your life once they have that information. They can go out and purchase a home in your name. They can open bank accounts, take car loans. Someone who has your social security number could actually take a job, they could file taxes and even claim your kids as dependent sand be gone with your...
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